Epic GrindrFails: Vol. 3

In case you’ve been living under a rock and missed it, the ladies of Second City have released yet another “Ladies Looking” video.

Because of this event worthy of having its own government-recognized holiday (complete with mandatory bank, post office, courthouse, and school closures), I felt it was an appropriate time to release another round of the ridiculous messages I’ve received on the same ridiculous apps. Continue reading

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Epic GrindrFails: Vol. 2

It was recently brought to my attention that Manhunt thinks I’m one of the hottest guys on their site. Well that’s a new one. I’d honestly forgotten I even had a profile on there until I received this email from them the other day:

“Hey there! We love your look, and we’re sure a lot of our users would agree! We’d like to feature you as one of our hottest members. This will include one picture (only your public pictures would be used) and a link to your Manhunt profile featured on our blogs and social networks.”

My ego would like to extend a sincere thank you for the boost of confidence.

But really, Manhunt, thanks. I’ll take the compliment.

I mean, who knows…perhaps some Prince Charming in a Maserati (or on a yacht) will see this and be like “Well helloooooooooo, future husband material!” and come speeding/sailing to rescue me from my high-rise tower on Lake Michigan.

One can dream, right?

So here I was, sitting around avoiding folding my Mount Everest-sized pile of laundry engulfing my bed when *ping* – in comes an email from Manhunt showcasing it’s hottest members of the week. Soon after, my phone started pinging more frequently alerting me that my Prince Charming wannabes were sending me messages. Well that was fast.

However…the first message sent me into a fit of laughter and reminded me how ridiculously barbaric some men are. If you thought there was no hope for humanity, you’re probably right based on some of these conversations. I can’t help but shake my head in disgust while laughing to myself as I take a screenshot. So on that note, I present to you Round 2 of some of the more ridiculous messages I’ve received lately on Grindr, Manhunt, and other such apps.  Continue reading

First Impressions, Worst Impressions, and Why it Pays to be the Fat Kid

I’ll say it: It pays to be the fat kid. Sometimes being hungry pays off.

About two weeks ago, I had started talking to this guy – and no, not on Grindr. This time, I was testing out an app called Tinder. Now you straight people may be familiar with it. It’s probably the closest thing to Grindr you have on your phone. To fill those of you who’ve been living under a rock in, it shows you a picture of someone else who’s also “looking” and you swipe one way for yes and the other for no. Interested? Not interested? Swipe away! It’s like a game. Seriously. If you both swipe that you think the other is attractive it’s like “Congratulations! You’re a match!” and then asks if you want to message them or “Keep Playing” – seriously…keep playing. It’s a game. I told you. Oh, and you link it with your Facebook so you can easily upload your pictures and get to swiping quicker, see mutual “Likes” and interests, AND see if you have mutual friends. Pretty easy. Welcome to the dating in 2014.

So here we are: Congratulations! You’re a match!

Umm…jackpot. Gorgeous. Looks phenomenal in a suit. Has a picture with a French Bulldog. AND we have a mutual friend (that I can research him through and make sure he’s not psychotic). Forget this game. This calls for sending the first message.

So we talk for a few days, swap numbers, and make plans to meet up for drinks since – let’s face it – pretty much anyone can come across good via text, but if you’re socially awkward or just weird in person in general, a nonchalant meeting over a beer and and appetizer will spell it all out quick and easy. We made plans for a random weeknight – partially because I had other plans later in the week, but more importantly because working early is an easy cop-out if you need an escape from a bad weeknight date – to meet up in his neighborhood since it was on my way home from the office. Step one: Check. Continue reading

No Means No

Seriously buddy…did you miss Rape Day in elementary school? When I say “no” it means no. Not “maybe” or “yes” – it means no. End of discussion.

So there’s this guy that I’d been talking to. You know how the story starts. Blah blah blah. Seems like a nice guy. Profile notes how he’s super romantic, long-term oriented, not looking for a hookup, enjoys checking out different bars and restaurants…whoa…it’s like we’re twins. So we chat for a week or two. Talk about making plans to grab coffee or dinner. Schedules keep conflicting…until yesterday morning. Continue reading

Epic GrindrFails: Vol. 1

To say that this post has been a long time coming (no pun intended) would be an understatement. As I’m sure you’re aware (if you’ve read any of my past posts about awkward dates), I have a knack for attracting the weirdos. There’s been a video circulating of some ladies reading messages that people had received on apps like Grindr and Scruff. This could not possibly be any more accurate.

When conversations with these nutjobs occur, I have a tendency to screenshot them. Some make their way to Twitter and Facebook. Others get circulated around via group text. Others stay in my phone for times when I need a good laugh. 

DISCLAIMER: Not all conversations on Grindr and other such apps are trainwrecks like the ones you’re about to see. Don’t believe me? See also: Not All Grindr Dates Are Bad Dates.

So for your viewing pleasure, I present to you…some of the most random/awkward/funny/epic #GrindrFail messages (and a text someone sent to the wrong number) that I’ve received in a while. And no….this is probably NSFW (or Not Safe For Work for those of you who don’t understand common abbreviations – yes mom, that would be you since I’m sure you’re probably reading this). Continue reading

Help! I’m Surrounded By Straight People!

Let’s play a little game of “Never Have I Ever.”

“Never have I ever been surrounded by a couple hundred seemingly desperate straight women and douchey men who can’t dance at 7pm on a Thursday night.”

If you didn’t just put down a finger then you should have been at the launch party for this new dating app called Hinge this Thursday in Chicago. Seriously. I have never been surrounded by so many heterosexuals that early in the evening who were “looking.”

Probably about a week or two ago, I received an email from “The Social Mistress” – a ridiculously fun lady that The Sassy Nebraskan and I met a while back at a scotch tasting event that I’d RSVP’d us to before realizing she hated scotch so much (whoops) – that there was a new dating app throwing an open-bar launch party at one of the best night clubs downtown (there’s always celebrity sightings there on the weekends). With zero hesitation (you had me at “open bar”), I clicked the link, RSVP’d and was on the guest list. Continue reading

Awkward Dates Strike Again

I don’t know what it is. Perhaps I was drunk one night and got a tattoo that only glows in blacklight (hence the reason I’ve never noticed it in the mirror) that says “If you’re weird, please talk to me and/or ask me on a date” or else maybe I have a Kick-Me-esque sign eternally taped to my backside with the same message. Regardless, I seem to attract weirdos and only weirdos.

SEE ALSO: Dating for DummiesSecondhand Smoke Isn’t Harmful (and other such lies from an awkward date), and several other posts (go read them for yourself)

As it would seem, I have a knack for attracting the socially awkward types. It doesn’t matter where I meet them (OKCupid, Grindr (or G-Harmony as a friend calls it), friend-of-a-friend, etc.) they usually turn out to be missing screws.

It. Never. Fails. Continue reading

Resolutions are Dumb

To put it simply, I think New Years resolutions are dumb. I always have, and I always will. My friend the Nancinator wrote a blog post the other day about her distaste for New Years resolutions which got me thinking about just how dumb they are. She’s also a designer and is one of the wittiest, snarkiest people I’ve ever worked with. She’s hilarious. Check it out. Bookmark that shit. You can thank me later.

But anyways, resolutions. Dumb. Yet what have I noticed I’ve been doing this year? Yep. Making changes. Weird, I know. Totally unlike me.

Did I resolutionize to make these change? Hell to the no. So how, on earth, did I randomly come to decide to make these changes? Eh, no reason. It was just time.

For instance… Continue reading

26. Single. Enjoys Cake.

26. Single. Enjoys cake. Thanks for the reminder, OKCupid. For the record, I hate you. Now please excuse me while I go eat my feelings.

Yes, this really happened.

So here I was. Out for dinner with my bestie and Fiesta. Not-so-Carrie had decided to throw me a surprise birthday dinner. Not quite the all-out surprise party I planned (from 8 hours away nonetheless), threw, and surprised her at a few months ago, but she definitely earned a well-deserved A for effort. I enjoyed the evening with two of my favorite (real) ladyfriends gorging ourselves on mussels (not muscles, unfortunately) and arugula salad at La Madia, a “contemporary pizzeria” as they refer to themselves.  Continue reading

Giving Head to Get (Others) Ahead

I’m sure you’ve heard the “Give head to get ahead” phrase. Well call me a whore, but sometimes this is true. Has it ever gotten me ahead? No. At least not yet. I’m not that lucky. Has it ever led to a connection that’s gotten someone else ahead though? Perhaps.

A few years ago when I lived in Nebraska, I came to Chicago for a design conference and trade show. I met this guy who also worked in the retail/design industry and was going to be going to be going to the same event that evening that I was planning on hitting up. He had some designer friends who worked in the city that he suggested meeting up with to build some more connections for me since I was looking to move here at the time.

Well, needless to say one thing led to another (or more appropriately one open bar rooftop party led to another) and I ended up back at his place at the end of the night. Cue the walk of shame(lessness) at 6am back to my friend’s place where I was staying and the questions about where I’d been all night. Whoops. Continue reading