First Impressions, Worst Impressions, and Why it Pays to be the Fat Kid

I’ll say it: It pays to be the fat kid. Sometimes being hungry pays off.

About two weeks ago, I had started talking to this guy – and no, not on Grindr. This time, I was testing out an app called Tinder. Now you straight people may be familiar with it. It’s probably the closest thing to Grindr you have on your phone. To fill those of you who’ve been living under a rock in, it shows you a picture of someone else who’s also “looking” and you swipe one way for yes and the other for no. Interested? Not interested? Swipe away! It’s like a game. Seriously. If you both swipe that you think the other is attractive it’s like “Congratulations! You’re a match!” and then asks if you want to message them or “Keep Playing” – seriously…keep playing. It’s a game. I told you. Oh, and you link it with your Facebook so you can easily upload your pictures and get to swiping quicker, see mutual “Likes” and interests, AND see if you have mutual friends. Pretty easy. Welcome to the dating in 2014.

So here we are: Congratulations! You’re a match!

Umm…jackpot. Gorgeous. Looks phenomenal in a suit. Has a picture with a French Bulldog. AND we have a mutual friend (that I can research him through and make sure he’s not psychotic). Forget this game. This calls for sending the first message.

So we talk for a few days, swap numbers, and make plans to meet up for drinks since – let’s face it – pretty much anyone can come across good via text, but if you’re socially awkward or just weird in person in general, a nonchalant meeting over a beer and and appetizer will spell it all out quick and easy. We made plans for a random weeknight – partially because I had other plans later in the week, but more importantly because working early is an easy cop-out if you need an escape from a bad weeknight date – to meet up in his neighborhood since it was on my way home from the office. Step one: Check. Continue reading

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I’m Not Picky….I Just Know What I Want.

In anticipation of the date I have set up for this Friday – thanks in part to the assertiveness (total turn-on) of the gentleman caller who, after responding to his question of “What are you doing Friday night?” with a “I don’t have any plans,” promptly informed me that I did now and to make sure I didn’t double-book myself – I’ve put together a basic list of qualities, traits, and must-haves that I look for in a potential partner. By no means is this an all-inclusive list of absolute make-it-or-break-it requirements, because I mean, let’s face it, I’m fully aware that someone who meets all the criteria I’m about to list out either A) doesn’t exist, or B) is already taken. Some require a somewhat detailed explanation, while others are relatively self-explanatory.

ASSERTIVE – Friday boy already has this down.
AMBITIOUS  I don’t care what you want to do with your life (to an extent), but at least have a plan. Be ambitious. Is that too much to ask? If so, stop reading right now and go reevaluate your life.
DECISIVE – I hate being the one who chooses where dinner is all the time. I’m indecisive. Make a choice and let’s go….and on that note…
SPONTANEOUS – I love a good impulse buy (preferably a gift for me), a impulsive idea-turned-reality (i.e. let’s go do this!), etc. Continue reading

I’ll Take the Order of Catfish, Grindr Style Please!!

I need to open a restaurant and market it to gays on first/blind/awkward (aka social-media-app-facilitated) dates.

TONIGHT’S CHEF SPECIAL
Grindr-Style Catfish

Perhaps I’m doing something wrong. Perhaps I should start doing background checks or requiring a last name or Facebook profile so I can do my homework before I meet up with someone for dinner. I mean honestly…I’m the king of Facebook/Google stalking. The other day, my best friend (check out her blog) told me about how she’d talked to a guy on the airplane on her way back from Indianapolis. He was from Canada, played hockey, and worked some fancy job with numbers. Within five minutes, I’d tracked him down. How? I’m just that good. Perhaps I should have been a private investigator.

Anyways, I’m starting to think that I need to set some prerequisites for meeting up with me. Continue reading

Dating for Dummies

So you want to ask me out on a date. Great. I’d like to take a few minutes and give you a few pointers on how NOT to screw it up. It’s really not THAT complicated…

I recently went on a date with a guy that started off fine, but then went way south (and not in a good way either). Please learn from his mistakes.

 

LESSON 1
First and foremost, I should probably warn you: I’m a judgmental bitch. Be original because I’m more than likely going to judge you based on how creative you are with planning a date. When you suggest dinner at your favorite wing spot, games, and fireworks, you’re definitely off to a great start.

LESSON 2
Your favorite wing spot should never be Hooters. We are gay men. I do not want to be eye level with some girl’s fake knockers.  Continue reading