Awkward Dates Strike Again

I don’t know what it is. Perhaps I was drunk one night and got a tattoo that only glows in blacklight (hence the reason I’ve never noticed it in the mirror) that says “If you’re weird, please talk to me and/or ask me on a date” or else maybe I have a Kick-Me-esque sign eternally taped to my backside with the same message. Regardless, I seem to attract weirdos and only weirdos.

SEE ALSO: Dating for DummiesSecondhand Smoke Isn’t Harmful (and other such lies from an awkward date), and several other posts (go read them for yourself)

As it would seem, I have a knack for attracting the socially awkward types. It doesn’t matter where I meet them (OKCupid, Grindr (or G-Harmony as a friend calls it), friend-of-a-friend, etc.) they usually turn out to be missing screws.

It. Never. Fails. Continue reading

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I’m Not Picky….I Just Know What I Want.

In anticipation of the date I have set up for this Friday – thanks in part to the assertiveness (total turn-on) of the gentleman caller who, after responding to his question of “What are you doing Friday night?” with a “I don’t have any plans,” promptly informed me that I did now and to make sure I didn’t double-book myself – I’ve put together a basic list of qualities, traits, and must-haves that I look for in a potential partner. By no means is this an all-inclusive list of absolute make-it-or-break-it requirements, because I mean, let’s face it, I’m fully aware that someone who meets all the criteria I’m about to list out either A) doesn’t exist, or B) is already taken. Some require a somewhat detailed explanation, while others are relatively self-explanatory.

ASSERTIVE – Friday boy already has this down.
AMBITIOUS  I don’t care what you want to do with your life (to an extent), but at least have a plan. Be ambitious. Is that too much to ask? If so, stop reading right now and go reevaluate your life.
DECISIVE – I hate being the one who chooses where dinner is all the time. I’m indecisive. Make a choice and let’s go….and on that note…
SPONTANEOUS – I love a good impulse buy (preferably a gift for me), a impulsive idea-turned-reality (i.e. let’s go do this!), etc. Continue reading

Not All Grindr Dates Are Bad Dates

I’m sure I’ve given the impression so far that I’ve only met creepers thanks to the modern day marvels of location-based apps like Grindr. Such is not the case. I’ve surprisingly made some great friends and professional connections through there – never underestimate the “Networking” aspect of these apps.

I’m a firm believer in apps only being as good or as useful as you make them. Sure, most guys are on there looking to turn a quick trick, but most does not mean all. Some people are genuinely looking for friends, dates, and networking. I’ve used apps like these countless times when traveling for work to find out where to go and what to do from the locals and occasionally ended up with a new friend in the process…all without setting foot in a bedroom or exchanging a not-so-G-rated picture or two.

When I first moved to Nebraska, I didn’t know a single person there. No friends, no family, no one at all. So what do I do? Hop on Grindr to find out where the hot spot is on a Friday. Little did I know that one of the guys I talked to would end up becoming one of my closest friends and roommates (yet now we don’t talk) who would introduce me to the Mean Girls of Lincoln of which I’d quickly become the Cady Heron.  Continue reading

I’ll Take the Order of Catfish, Grindr Style Please!!

I need to open a restaurant and market it to gays on first/blind/awkward (aka social-media-app-facilitated) dates.

TONIGHT’S CHEF SPECIAL
Grindr-Style Catfish

Perhaps I’m doing something wrong. Perhaps I should start doing background checks or requiring a last name or Facebook profile so I can do my homework before I meet up with someone for dinner. I mean honestly…I’m the king of Facebook/Google stalking. The other day, my best friend (check out her blog) told me about how she’d talked to a guy on the airplane on her way back from Indianapolis. He was from Canada, played hockey, and worked some fancy job with numbers. Within five minutes, I’d tracked him down. How? I’m just that good. Perhaps I should have been a private investigator.

Anyways, I’m starting to think that I need to set some prerequisites for meeting up with me. Continue reading

Dating for Dummies

So you want to ask me out on a date. Great. I’d like to take a few minutes and give you a few pointers on how NOT to screw it up. It’s really not THAT complicated…

I recently went on a date with a guy that started off fine, but then went way south (and not in a good way either). Please learn from his mistakes.

 

LESSON 1
First and foremost, I should probably warn you: I’m a judgmental bitch. Be original because I’m more than likely going to judge you based on how creative you are with planning a date. When you suggest dinner at your favorite wing spot, games, and fireworks, you’re definitely off to a great start.

LESSON 2
Your favorite wing spot should never be Hooters. We are gay men. I do not want to be eye level with some girl’s fake knockers.  Continue reading

Secondhand Smoke Isn’t Harmful (and other such lies from an awkward date)

So a couple weeks ago, I went out on a date with this guy. I wasn’t sure if it counted as a blind date since I couldn’t remember what he looked like thanks to giving out my number thanks to Grinding drunk the one night, but figured what the hell. A guy offering pizza and beer when you’re a poor college graduate is worth whatever awkward situation could ensue. I mean, at least I’d have chowed down on a free meal and (hopefully) left with a decent buzz to kickstart the night. At least he lived in a nice area of town in a pretty legit condo judging from the Google street view, otherwise it would have been game over right from the start and I would have “gotten lost” or something on the way there and had to cancel due to a “family emergency” or some other spur of the moment lie I could come up with to get me out of the awkwardness.

So I get to his house…and no, I wasn’t looking like a drowned harassed rat or anything (since it wasn’t raining, although I did have to take the train, and y’all know the MTA should stand for…well, I’m sure you get the reference) and blind date actually isn’t the type that would require a good paper-bagging as I’d worried he’d be since I couldn’t remember a thing about our drunken Grindr conversation (whoops).

Nice Condo: check
Good Pizza: check
Stella Artois: check
Conversation: oh…dear…god. Continue reading