The Mexico Diaries: Part 4


How is it even the seventh day already? In celebration of god resting, I’m up early at 5am and ready to roll. Check my phone: sunrise at 7:02am. Perfect. Get dressed. Head downstairs by 6:15am. It’s adventure time!

But first, coffee.

There…is…no…coffee. I may die.

Run back upstairs and grab two of my stockpiled bottles of water. I’ve resorted to hiding them daily when I leave so housekeeping keeps bringing more so I have them just in case. Water will have to hold me over until I get to Starbucks. There is one here. I’m basically the human form of Little Bunny Follows His Nose. I can sniff out coffee anywhere.

Mornings are so quiet here. Minus the roosters. Everything is closed but OXXO. God bless 24-hour corner stores. I buy myself a package of mini powder sugar donuts. They are 8 pesos. Whoa. That’s like 43 cents back at home. I should buy them all and sell them at regular price in Chicago. Maybe for more and say they’re imported and better. Better yet, laced with cocaine. I could make a fortune.

Remember seeing a beautiful old church on my walk the other day. I must find it. It’s officially Dia de los Muertos now. I get distracted by shrines on my way to the church. There’s even one for Miss Frida!


Contemplate taking a selfie in the last one’s mirror but am afraid it might be one of those moving skeletons from the Halloween store. Would probably shit myself if it was. Realize I didn’t throw spare underwear in my bag. Probably not a good idea. Add that to my to-do list for later when I’m better prepared.

Finally meander my way up to the church as the sun is coming up. T-minus six minutes. I did it. Success.


I have time to wander inside and snap a couple photos even though the sign says “No Cell Phones” but I’ll interpret it as “You’re fine as long as your phone is on silent” because I’m a rebel.


Make one of those Catholic cross things on my chest as I leave because it feels like the proper thing to do. Sun is starting to break over the hill as I walk out to the sound of the bells starting to chime. It’s surreal. Who am I….my mother?


Continue on my walk. I’ve walked off my three mini donuts at this point. Knew I should have gotten the bigger package for 14 pesos but oh well. I’ll find a breakfast spot.

Or not. Everything apparently opens at 10am. Starbucks is even still closed. What is this madness?! Decide to go back to the hotel. At least there’s coffee there.

On my walk back I find my new home. It’s available for rent. I’ll take it all. Even the yellow Jeep. It’s like they knew I was coming.


Find some cool graffiti on my walk. Too bad the county fair is back in PA. I’d totally enter some photos from vacation in it. I’m sure a lot of the people there have never been to Mexico.


Finally get back to my hotel around 8am. I’ve already walked 2.58 miles today. Score. Front desk guy thinks I’m crazy. I explain to him “Quiero desayuno pero todos son cerrado.” He laughs. I help myself to coffee now that it’s made. About damn time, señor.

Catch up on social media while downing several cups of coffee. May as well shower and go to the pool while my phone charges. Meet some cute-ish Hispanic boy laying out. Debate asking him “Donde esta su novio?” but don’t. Maybe after a couple drinks. Have a broken English/Spanish chat with him for a bit. I laugh and pretend I know what he’s talking about.

Laughs and asks me “Already!?” as I get up to leave after only an hour. I guess I’ll have to go back at some point now. He’s only here three days but I couldn’t understand what he said about when he’s leaving.

Came back downstairs to find my room already cleaned. Left 50 pesos. No water at all today. What gives!? Of course I’ve already drank through my doomsday stash too.

Decide to count the stairs going up the hill on my way down to go shopping. 93. I’ll recount though. I might be off by 10. Counting is hard.

Venture back out around 10am now that the shops are open. Find two cute new bathing suits and a zip-up mesh hooded tank thing. Amazeballs. Also find a potential gift for Joni but it’s not metallic enough. I have strict instructions and fear the consequences if I don’t comply. Will keep searching.

Revisit the tattoo shop I got inked at the last time I was here to verify hours and location. I just got a new one a few weeks ago, but I’m already going through withdrawal. Beauty is pain, and pain is pleasure. Bring it on.

Try on some cute shorts but don’t feel like spending 500 pesos per pair. I want two and they have a sign saying prices are fixed. Maybe tomorrow. Will head back to the hotel for a bit to shower and change (again) and see what comes of the day.

Hit up Blondies for happy hour. They’re starting to set up for a block party for Dia de los Muertos. Find out one of the owners of Blondie’s is originally from DSM and that we have mutual friends back in Kansas City. What are the odds? Make friends with a guy named John who’s lived here for almost ten years and runs the GAY PV Magazine. He introduces me to his friend Jim Dancing Trout – he’s part Native American, hence the fun name – who is visiting from Portland. They’re 51 and 60 respectively and are pretty cool. They can sit with us. Or I with them. Whichever. Let’s not get technical after slushies. Get introduced to a couple from Vancouver – Luis and Doug – who are down here vacationing. They’re also older but also fun. I think I’ll have to retire here someday. This sure beats a bingo hall.

Block party is going strong at this point and I’m officially several-slushies-past-happy-hour deep. Remember I haven’t eaten all day. That explains everything.

Dancing Trout excuses himself to go home. I follow suit and agree to Blondies again the following day for happy hour. Start walking home and am lured to restaurants by lights, music, and the smell of food. It’s only 9:30pm and I’m drunk. And hungry.

Order a Hawaiian pizza and a Pacifico at a cute corner bar called Verona Bistro Bar. Best pizza ever. I may have to do this again tomorrow. I’m down with a complete repeat of today.


Also: there are officially 104 steps.




3am. I am dying. Oh god. What if my appendix has burst? Do they take Blue Cross | Blue Shield down here? Do they have hospitals? Do I have enough sick time to extend my trip long enough to recover? Can you fly after surgery?

Lie in bed and convince myself I’m dying and will be found by housekeeping. I vow to haunt this room forever.

7:30am. I am fine now. Whew.

I shower and start my day on the patio with coffee as usual. Flowers are blooming here. Sucks to be you, Chicago.

img_7458img_7459It’s getting sunny and I’m almost down to the end of my spray can of sunscreen. At least that’s one less thing to take home. More room for other things. Like more clothes. I will shop again today.

Check my work email. I’m on vacation but am still killing sales. Go me.

Wish stores opened at 9am instead of 10am. It’s only 8:35am. Gross.

Meet up at Memo’s Pancake House for brunch with Terrill from San Francisco #ThanksScruff

Walk the Malecón afterward. There are guys moving rocks from the beach to the boardwalk and piling them around a pole.

“What are you guys doing?”
“Moving rocks.”

While I enjoy their sarcasm, they are not helpful.


NOTE: To this day we still have no idea what they were doing.

Continue on. Buy a t-shirt. Hit up El Dorado for margaritas then off to visit mis amigos at Blondies. Have a few slushies then drop by my hotel room for some adult activities. It’s good. Walk with him back to the place he’s been staying so he can pack and fly back to SFO then continue on to yet another tank top shop I’d seen. Once again, it’s closed. I ask the girl working next door when they’re open and find out they’re only open when they feel like being open. Must be nice. I guess they don’t want my hard-earned pesos.

Head back to my hotel and debate what I want to do with the rest of my day. There’s another beach party going on at Green Chairs with 1000+ gays who are in town for the day while their gay cruise ship is docked. I have just the bathing suit and zip up for the occasion. Perhaps I shall mosey on over. Plus two of the guys I know from San Diego are on the cruise so maybe I’ll meet up with them.

End up opting to skip the beach in favor of hanging at the pool for a bit since I’m feeling fat then head down the hill to Blondies. Blondies is the Mexican equivalent of world peace. Slushies fix everything.


My new friends Jonathan and Zac are both working again. Yay! They’re both new so we get along great swapping service industry horror stories. It’s only Zac’s second day so no tip-out for him and only 150 pesos a day as a salary. He’s off at midnight so I’ll buy his drinks later since he’s cool.

Run into a guy who’d messaged me on Scruff earlier asking if he could pee on me as his opening line. Says I’m so much more handsome in person as he gropes my leg at the bar. Well hello to you too, fine sir. I tell him my name is John and to enjoy his night. Bye, creep.

It’s now 8pm and the breeze is getting chilly so I run back to the hotel to change into a t-shirt and charge my phone. Gil is going to Fiesta’s tonight too so I suppose we shall all follow suit. It’s like Simon Says, but in Mexico we shall call it Simón Says. I think I’ll see if Verona does takeout and eat in my room. Or I’ll do a taco place and people-watch.

Oh who am I kidding? Pizza will win. It always does.

False alarm. I wind up at Margarita Grill again. I want ceviche. I also order fish tacos. I can’t eat it all so I get two of the tacos to go and drop them back off at Blondies for Zac to eat since he’s poor right now. I tell him to stash them in the back and that he should probably eat them if we’re going drinking later.

I swing back to the hotel (again) to change hats then head over to Fiesta’s to meet up with Gil. Lip sync the house down boots to some Ariana Grande, Selena Gomez, and Clean Bandit. Winning. Close out after a few so we can run back to Blondies and grab Zac since it’s almost midnight which means his shift is about over. Promise Shawn – the owner of Fiesta’s who we’ve made friends with – that we’ll be back soon with entertainment reinforcements.

Gil keeps asking if I want alone time with new friend Zac. Girl please. Us power bottoms know another when we see one. No alone time needed. Just friend time.

Get to Blondies and head upstairs and order a round only to find out Zac got cut early and went home. See if I ever give my leftover tacos away again. God tacos sound delicious. I’m hungry again. Still have a great time BS’ing with Gil and head home before 2am.

Contemplate CC’s because the night is still young but make the mistake of sitting down on my bed. Game over. Not happening. Plus I only have one full day left, and the beach and tattoo shop are calling my name. Buenos noches.

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