The Mexico Diaries: Part 1

A few months back, my boss says to me: “So you have a bunch of vacation days to burn through before blackout kicks in for the holiday. Figure out when you want to take some PTO and let me know.” Since I’m not one to sit around and do nothing (sorry to any of you who live for a good staycation) I immediately started looking for flights to somewhere warm. As much as I love Chicago, I need the beach – a real beach on an ocean, not a lake – in my life.

So remember that time I went to Mexico for a week with seven of my friends and wound up losing my wallet in the first 48 hours? Well…when you have ten days to burn and find a round-trip flight for under $300 and a hotel for $31/night that’s two blocks from the beach, you book it and cross your fingers since you’re flying solo this time around.

With the exchange rate making a Corona about $1.20 at the time, I decided I should probably keep notes to document my trip since it would probably wind up being a blur. Behold.

 

DAY 1

Got to Mexico. No lost luggage. Winning.

200 peso cab ride from the guys out front of the airport. Probably could’ve wound up murdered or kidnapped by a drug cartel since they always say don’t accept rides from the people out front of the airport but made it to my hotel safe and sound. Winning times two.

Checked into Hotel Amaca. Room is great. Even has a hammock and a balcony. No view of the ocean though. It’ll do.

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Checked out the pool. Bar says 12-10pm but no bartender and a lock on the cooler. Can’t even help myself. Good thing I brought whiskey in an empty liter-size shampoo bottle. Winning times three.

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Got some color and sweated my balls off. Time to go inside and check out the hammock. Note to self: After two shots of whiskey, not enough sleep, and only a Classic Bistro Box on your flight – do not try out the hammock. Almost fell out. Will try again tomorrow. Moved to the bed. Passed out. Day one is a success.

 

DAY 2

Wandered the beachfront strip or whatever it’s called. Got asked if I wanted to buy a pipe. It’s not even noon. Ask me later. Found a Dominos Pizza. KJ Date Night can be a thing in Mexico. Yaaaassss!

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Ate lunch at some little place called Oceano Azul Restaurant + Bar. Ordered guacamole and what I thought was a shrimp salad. Got served a bowl of tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, and shrimp with chips. Fail. At least they got the shrimp right. Better luck next time, me. High school Spanish class, please don’t fail me again. And I hadn’t even drank my two Pacificos yet either so I can’t even blame the cerveza. Made friends with Hector who works there. Asked if I was traveling alone because I have no friends. Thanks, pal.

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Random guy tries to sell me leather bracelets. I’ll stick to my Apple Watch and tattoos for any cuffs/bracelets. No room for other things. Is a 20% tip normal in Mexico too? Who knows. Pesos are confusing. It’s like Monopoly money. So colorful. Just looked down. I have crushed chips on my arm. I think the cerveza is stronger here. ¡Ole! Can see a boat in the distance anchored with no people to be seen. Only pelicans on board. WTF….

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There is also a table of white trash from the state of Washington getting their hair braided into cornrows and trying to speak Spanish to their server about 20 feet away. Trying hard not to laugh. Time to migrate away and get back to non-touristy PVR.

Went to the pool and lounged with a topless older lady drunk off canned Coronas. Not sure where she got them from since there’s no bartender but eavesdropped on her getting into an argument with the front desk girl later in the afternoon saying “Well just charge the beer to my room.” Need to hang out with her.

Made friends with a guy from St. Louis who owns a car dealership. Yay Grindr. He’s obsessed with Hispanic boys so there’s no threat of him wanting more. Agree to let him buy me dinner.

Check out a little Italian joint around the corner. Delicious. I offer to pay for drinks later since he bought dinner. He agrees. Venture off to Fiestas where I’m introduced to some locals he’s made friends with. Winning.

Also make friends with a kid from Portland who makes me add myself on his Facebook. Okay then. His friend is cute and comes over to introduce himself as they’re leaving. Unfortunately they leave the next day. Perhaps I’ll have to plan a trip to Portland to find them. Him especially. His friend also has the most fabulous cha-cha boots. I’m gagging on the eleganza.

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Tab comes. Once again I’m not allowed to pay. Owning a car dealership is apparently the way to go. Will hang out with him again 👌🏽👌🏽

 

 

……to be continued

 

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