Grandmas Against Humanity

Before you jump to conclusions and assume my grandma is a YouTube celebrity, no, my grandma is NOT one of these ladies. I wouldn’t put it past her though. I’ve recently learned that nothing should really surprise me anymore when it comes to her.

I went home recently to see my little sister walk across a stage and read a speech. You know, the typical valedictorian stuff — I mean, isn’t everyone’s sister valedictorian when they graduate college? (insert proud big brother status here)

While I was home, we decided to have a chill night in (twice actually) and partake in some quality family bonding time, game night so to speak, with a quality family-friendly card game: Cards Against Humanity.

To say I learned a lot about my grandma is an understatement…

10:25pm: I’m currently playing Cards Against Humanity with three 20 year olds and my grandma and cannot find a bottle of wine in this house to save myself. Commence the panic attack.

Seriously.

Me. Three 20-year-olds. My grandma. No wine. No beer. No liquor of any sort. No nothing. You know you’re at your mom’s house when…

10:57pm: “Queefing. I have no idea what that word is but I like it. Who threw queefing? What is it?” 

And so it began. Yes. We had to explain what “queefing” is to Grandma.

Of course, it spreads like wildfire on Facebook and Twitter….because some things are just too good to not share with the world — and my mother since she was out of town whose only response was: “I wish I had been there. Oh wait….maybe not, then I probably would have been the one who got to explain it to her.”

CAH11:04pm: (Shaking head in disgust) “I sure wish I had a card that said ‘My grandkids’ for this round.”

Well thanks, grandma.

11:09pm: (Reading the word “clitoris” on a card) “Cly-tore-itis. I know I have this part but I just don’t know how to pronounce it.”

Through laughing-induced tears, I Facebook it. Of course.

As quickly as my mom responds, you’d have thought she was sitting in the room playing too. It’s almost like she was there. “OMG! I am laughing so hard right now I have tears running down my face. We have to play agin tonight when I’m home. I’ll bring the wine!”

Psh. Get with it mom. We all know Grandma loves her sloe gin. But I’m down with wine. Bring as much as you please.

If you think Grandma is crazy, just you wait until you experience her with a sloe gin fizz or two in her. She’s a whole new type of wild.

Tuesday night. Round two. Two twenty-year olds. Me. Grandma. Mom.

Thankfully this time around, there’s a bottle of sloe gin, a bottle of wine, and a 12-pack of Bud Light cans (gross, but desperate times call for desperate measures). Time to get Grandma liquored up. This should be good.

10:04pm: “Hey! Where are you? Get out here and make me a sloe gin fizz!”

Grandma has spoken. Sloe gin fizz it is.

And we’re off.

11:19pm: “White people like __________.”

Down go the cards.

The results: Surprise Sex. Police Brutality. Lance Armstrong’s Missing Testicle. White Supremacy.

SISTER: “Okay, who threw the ‘Surprise Sex’ card?”
(Grandma looks around innocently avoiding eye contact)
SISTER: “OH MY GOD GRANDMA, DID YOU THROW THIS?!”
GRANDMA: “Well I mean, who doesn’t love surprise sex? Now give me that black card. I won it fair and square.”

 Yes. That’s correct. My Grandma to throw the “Surprise Sex” card as something white people (and apparently everyone in general) like. You go, Grandma.

11:30pm: “Why do I hurt all over?”

Annnnnnd she wins again……this time with the “Three Dicks at the Same Time” card. This lady is unstoppable.

While Grandma might not have won (my mom did because she’s apparently just as crazy) either night, she definitely held her own. Despite her protests of “This game is so dumb. I don’t understand why you kids think it’s so funny,” I’m sure she was probably snickering on the inside thinking “Grandma’s still got it.” That she does.

In the words of one of my friends: “Fuck paying for a comedy show… Can I just come to ONE family function to meet this wonderful lady, please?”

Truer words have never been spoken. She’s nuts.

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