America’s New Favorite Reality Show: “My Job Is An Absolute Joke”

Off Air

We apologize for the interruption in your regularly scheduled programming otherwise known as the recap of my road trip to the West Coast to bring you a special episode of America’s new favorite reality show: “My Job Is An Absolute Joke.” 

Last week, we found our main character thinking he’d lost his job after vacation since management failed to remember he was on vacation and scheduled him to work anyway. After he no-call no-showed for a shift, they proceeded to take him off the schedule. When he stopped in to pick up his final paycheck after he returned from California and learned he was no longer scheduled, management realized their error and said it must have been a misunderstanding and blamed “miscommunication” then put him on the schedule for six shifts the following week. Jackpot.

After learning that the dress code had also changed while he was out of town and now required a tie, our main character – being the fabulous fashionista he is – wore a bow tie to work for his first shift back. He was promptly informed that a bow tie is not an actual tie and doesn’t meet the dress code requirements, however nowhere in the dress code does it specify the type of tie that is/isn’t acceptable. He vows to himself to try to find the most obnoxious (long) ties possible as a form of silent rebellion against this ridiculous policy that should have been explicitly stated in the nonexistent employee handbook in the first place.

And now for tonight’s episode…

Upon arriving to work, our main character is reprimanded for once again no-call no showing for a shift the night before. The funny thing is, however, when the schedule was posted five days prior he had the night off. Management had thought it would be socially and ethically acceptable to redo the schedule and put him on to work on a night he’d originally been off without asking if he’d be available to pick up a shift. They even failed to mention to him via email/text/phone/carrier pigeon/telegram/etc. that they’d changed the schedule then didn’t even call when he didn’t show up that night. Real cool.

Next, management informs him that the schedule for the weekend has also changed and he is now scheduled to work at 9:30am on Saturday instead of 6pm and at 7:30am on Sunday instead of 1pm because they’d “forgotten the Chicago Marathon” was this weekend.

In any other world, there would be a “Hey, would you be able to come in early by any chance and help out this weekend?” or a “Do you have plans this weekend?” or even a “Any chance you’d want to make some extra money this weekend?”

Not in this world. Just a “We changed the schedule, and you need to be here earlier now all weekend. Oh, and yes, they’re doubles because we still need you at night.”

Our main character will not be having it however. He doesn’t put up with bullshit.

Had he not been sat a party of four as this was happening he would have taken off his ridiculous embroidered floor-length apron and dropped it on the host stand along with his name tag and said “Go play in traffic. I’m done,” then walked out.

No. He stays and makes a measly $60 after tip-out on a Friday, gets told to “Smile more, you look pissed off,” by his manager halfway through the night (gee, I wonder why), and then calls out the manager at the end of the shift for their unprofessional lack of communication and last-minute schedule changes.

He proceeds to apologize for looking “pissed off” earlier in the night and explains that she would be too if she were in his shoes and never knew her schedule for the week until the Saturday or Sunday before yet didn’t make plans until it was posted so she could keep 100% open availability. He explains that she’d look pissed off too if she came to work and got reprimanded for no-call no-showing the night before when she was originally supposed to be off, made plans, then found out afterward that her manager had changed the schedule without telling her. He informs her that it’s also rude and highly unprofessional to assume that employees don’t have a life outside of work and don’t make plans on their days/mornings/evenings off work just in case work should decide to change the schedule at the last minute and that she needs to choose her words more wisely when asking an employee to work when they’re not scheduled and use phrases like “Are you available?” or “Would you be able to help out?” rather than “I need you here at a different time.” He also lets her know that he nearly walked out on her tonight but didn’t want to leave her high and dry on a Friday night but that if anything remotely similar to this happens again that he’ll be done – whether or not he’s in the middle of waiting on one table or ten.

He then leaves – taking the one leftover carnitas taco a table of his hadn’t touched – and goes home with his whopping payout of $60, pours himself a bourbon on the rocks, and composes a blog post of his frustration with this joke of a job.

End scene.


And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. Thank you.


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