Epic GrindrFails: Vol. 1

To say that this post has been a long time coming (no pun intended) would be an understatement. As I’m sure you’re aware (if you’ve read any of my past posts about awkward dates), I have a knack for attracting the weirdos. There’s been a video circulating of some ladies reading messages that people had received on apps like Grindr and Scruff. This could not possibly be any more accurate.

When conversations with these nutjobs occur, I have a tendency to screenshot them. Some make their way to Twitter and Facebook. Others get circulated around via group text. Others stay in my phone for times when I need a good laugh. 

DISCLAIMER: Not all conversations on Grindr and other such apps are trainwrecks like the ones you’re about to see. Don’t believe me? See also: Not All Grindr Dates Are Bad Dates.

So for your viewing pleasure, I present to you…some of the most random/awkward/funny/epic #GrindrFail messages (and a text someone sent to the wrong number) that I’ve received in a while. And no….this is probably NSFW (or Not Safe For Work for those of you who don’t understand common abbreviations – yes mom, that would be you since I’m sure you’re probably reading this).

So here we go, and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Presented to you live, in color, and uncut (although preferably cut).

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While this could have been the easiest cash I made in a while, I’m a good Christian woman and would rather retain my dignity so thanks, but no thanks. I’ll consider hitting you up though when I need to refresh my wardrobe this spring…oh wait, no I won’t. I appreciate how forward you are though.

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This is easily one of my favorites. Ah…where do I even start ripping you apart, bud? Well let’s see…you chose to message me even with the “I don’t waste my time on guys who can’t hold a conversation without using  a million abbreviations for simple words like “you” and “are” or form a complete grammatically-correct sentence” disclaimer in my profile. I consider you fair game. Especially when you start the conversation out attempting to rip me a new one for appreciating proper grammar.

SIDE NOTE: Yes, this conversation has been edited. My response to his first three messages had said “Now that I’ve deciphered your “illiter8″ message, I’d like to remind you that I’m not interested in seemingly uneducated individuals such as yourself. Have a great day, and good luck!” but wouldn’t fit in my screenshot and I’ve since been blocked so I can’t go back and re-screenshot it. Part of my reply was chopped off in my screenshots. Sad day.

So yeah…there’s that.

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This isn’t the first time someone’s texted me on accident from a number that wasn’t in my phone, nor will it be the last. This, however, takes the cake for the funniest one though. Whoever this person is though, we have something in common: neither of us likes pickles.

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Oh my. First of all, no. Second of all, no again. You will never get this. Especially if you’re looking for a top.

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Once again, people who can’t spell drive me nuts. Can you tell? You’d think they’d get the idea….then again, that’d be asking a lot. Probably way too much for on Grindr.

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While I do, indeed, happen to enjoy surveys (and free stuff!) the only thing I would have probably gotten out of this conversation was an STD. If you’re wondering, I wasn’t a valued participant in the survey. I’m sure he wouldn’t have liked my opinions anyway.

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Like I told the guy, I have a bar name, an email name, what my family calls me, what my friends in different social circles call me…I have multiple names. If I want you to know my name (i.e. if I have a desire to actually meet up with you) then I’ll tell you. Otherwise if you’re 5’7″ and 278lbs (and a power bottom as his profile noted) then you have no need to ever know my name. Especially after asking a few days earlier if I wanted to come over for a sex party. No joke. The guys in this town….oy.

But wait…it’s not just a Chicago thing. Traveling is a whole new realm. Nowhere else are you such fresh meat than when you travel…especially to your hometown for the holidays where people – particularly old bar regulars – don’t recognize your new profile photo since they haven’t seen you in several years (or ever in good lighting). Behold….the Pennsylvania gays.

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Oh boy…Todd, Todd, Todd. While this isn’t really a #GrindrFail per se, it surprises me that you don’t remember me. Allow me to refresh your memory. Think back about 5 or 6 years. I was in college. You were trying to get with me. You sent me the same photo you just sent me in this message. Lied about your age. Came over to hang out. You looked nothing like your photo and were probably about 10 years older than you said (or you just don’t age well). I called you out on it. You confessed that it was from “a couple years ago” when you lived in Florida. I wasn’t impressed and sent you packing.

That was the one time.

Then there was the time when you came into the bar I worked at and tried to act like an self-entitled little twat all evening. You kept throwing it around that you were an interior designer, asking if I was single, and then cruising me on Grindr not realizing it was me who was serving you. You then proceeded to leave me barely a 10% tip. Well guess what…a bartender never forgets a bad tipper.

Needless to say, the conversation with this friendly chap went south not long after when he started trying to get in my pants. Please take note that my profile blatantly states “Looking For: Friends, Chat” and notes I’m in town for the weekend visiting. You won’t be getting with me now. You won’t be getting with me ever. Move along.

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Ah yes, the ones who apparently know me yet I have no idea who they are. Apparently it works both ways. Touché.  One thing that doesn’t work, however, is your lack of tact and your choice of pick-up lines.

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So speaking of pick-up lines…if you’re looking for any pointers I’ll gladly put you in touch with this guy.

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And then there’s the ones who find out I’m leaving that afternoon.

So for anyone wondering why I’m single…. Winners. All of them. Clearly.

One thought on “Epic GrindrFails: Vol. 1

  1. Pingback: Epic GrindrFails: Vol. 2 | Confessions of an Often Annoyed Designer

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